Spectacular Desires and Incompleteness on Online Dating Platforms
I remember the photo that made me pay attention to his profile. He, all eyes, looking into the camera, white t-shirt revealing his perfect arms, the result of hours of training and many tattoo sessions, ear and nose piercings. I nicknamed him Mr. Clean at first sight.
This story happened when I was finishing research on how people represent themselves in online dating applications, an interest I began to cultivate at the beginning of the millennium when Match.com arrived in Mexico; eventually, this tickle became the book “I’m looking for a partner, is it too much to ask?” A Study of Representations of Desire on the Internet (Spanish, Río Subterráneo, 2017).
The first time I saw a Match.com profile, I realized its information was confessional. It offered a golden opportunity for discursive analysis: the postures, gestures, environments, and objects shown represent what is considered valuable, beautiful, and desirable in a given context. This representation is culturally specific, and since it results from learning and applying cultural codes, it can be decoded with the appropriate tools.
In preparing state of the art for this study, I realized that many of the users of these platforms modify their representations to appear more interesting; in this regard, I consider that these adjustments in the information on size, weight, age, and occupation are the same as makeup, body shapers, skin shaving, high heels, implants, and hair prostheses, commonly used in the analog world. In the same tenor, the result is counterproductive when the corrections are exaggerated.
I also noticed that the literature has identified specific strategies that users use to increase the reliability of the interaction to avoid frustration when transitioning from digital to analog encounters. For example, many people corroborate the data provided by their interlocutors on other social networks (Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter), cross-referencing information and making Sherlock Holmes look like an infant with his findings.
As part of the process, a corpus of user profiles was created that claimed to live in Mexico. The data was normalized and analyzed according to categories to detect regularities and anomalies in the discourse.
The process behind the corpus design is described in “Many Fish in the Sea? Analysis of the Terms of Use of Online Dating Sites. The Case of Plenty of Fish” (Spanish, Entretejidos, 2017), co-authored with Pablo Gaitán.
Among other attributes of the images (mostly portraits of users, although the sample also includes photos of non-human animals, landscapes, celebrities, and fictional characters), we identified the type of shot, the angulation, the scene represented, whether or not the person is looking at the camera, whether or not he/she is smiling; whether or not he/she uses gestural or somatic codes to emphasize his/her attributes (pursed lips, tilted head, bent hips, etc. ); the position of the person in the frame, the action depicted, and whether or not the photo looks like a self-portrait (selfie); the action intended, and whether or not the picture looks like a self-portrait (selfie); the position of the person in the frame, the activity depicted, and whether or not the photo looks like a self-portrait (selfie).
About the written text used by the person to introduce him/herself and outline the relationship he/she is seeking, the information was processed using the software Linguistic Inquiry and Word Count (both Francis and Pennebaker, University of Texas at Austin) to determine the average number of words used by the users; the psychological, cognitive and social processes involved in lexical selection; positive and negative emotions, expressions of temporality, biological processes, body-related terms, sexual words and phrases related to the senses.
In summary, I found differences related to culture: specific somatic codes are more common in women than in men, and specific linguistic uses are more common in men than in women (e.g., “I’m looking for a woman who knows what she wants,” or “I’m looking for a man with a good heart,” or a greater frequency of use of the pronoun “we” in women’s speech and a more significant predominance of the pronoun “I” in men’s speech).
What surprised me was a generalized sense of incompleteness that suggested, profile by profile, that many, if not all, people present themselves as “half-full” beings who hope to achieve their completeness through other, also half-empty, beings. This sense of incompleteness is staged through differentiated language games between men and women seeking men or women. Despite the differences that can be identified, desire is the pattern.
Along the way, I understood that users are more or less aware that showing off requires specific strategies, some similar to those used to promote a product or service.
To experiment with these tools, I suggest you consider the following:
Images matter
Pictures used to represent the person should be clear and recent, showing the face (medium shot) and the person’s whole body in context to identify the person’s approximate height and stature. Care should be taken to ensure that the background of the photos does not contain sensitive information.
Words matter
People who write correctly have a better chance of finding a partner, so take a course to improve your spelling!
Precautions matter
As at a party or a bar, every precaution must be taken. Impersonation is a reality, and the resources of generative AI platforms are also being used to create fake profiles, sometimes to hide insecure people, sometimes as a vehicle for fraud. Fortunately, some fabulous people are worth knowing if you take the necessary precautions.
The day I met Mr. Clean, we talked for hours, and when they were about to close the place, I told him, “It’s late; I have to walk my dogs,” “I’ll go with you,” was his reply. Three years later, we got married, and he still says, “I’m going with you.
Some sources of interest
Guadagno, R., Okdie, B., Kruze, S. (2012). Dating deception: Gender, online dating, and exaggerated self-presentation.
Hancock, J., Toma, C., Ellison, N (2007). The truth about lying in online dating profiles.
Webb, A., (2014). Data, a Love Story: How I Cracked the Online Dating Code to Meet My Match.
Heino, R., Ellison, N, & Gibbs, J. (2010). Relationshopping: Investigating the market metaphor in online dating.
